Wow.
I'm nobody here... I've no programming skills to offer, I've nothing brilliant to add to the game code, I don't understand how to make meshes, work with nodes, or paint textures. I'm just some guy who registered to inquire about the single player possibility of this mod, and that answered, offer thanks and encouragement for the work put into bringing my all time favorite FPS into a new age.
Thus I never knew Nickster, but those words are so hauntingly familiar... I've stood on a precipice of personally inflicted hell, questioning reality, my place in it, my value in it, wishing for death, wishing for a way out, but hoping that somehow, things would get better.
Tormented by our own demons, it becomes difficult to find our way through life, and when the pain of life's little tragedies shatter our spirits, clawing a path out of a dark personal abyss seems overwhelming, perhaps even futile. Some people are lost in our world, and finding a way to shine a glimmer of hope into their dark eyes is a defiant struggle ready to sap us of all strength.
Some are unable to arrive to any conclusion on this question of life or death, and choose to wait for more answers. Others can confidently walk to the future, having gained the belief that destiny must hold more for them. But tragically, we are not all superhuman in our spirit, and some falter, struggling with this conflict, ultimately deciding that the fight is too great a burden, the strain of pushing our questions off overwhelms us, and the only way out... is to say farewell.
Some of us are Actors of the highest degree, masking our pain behind genuine warmth, a facade of happiness, but ultimately, this mask covers up a cold place within, a space which goes unfulfilled. This burden within us returns to haunt our lonely nights, our lonely mornings, and our lonely days. The mask must come off at some time, and when it falls free, we are confronted with ourselves, and the pain we hold.
The mirror reflects a face, our own face, and we see behind it to find that missing piece, whatever its cause, looking upon us - asking to please help.
And then what? How? The spitefull music of Korn, the electric rage of NiN, the sad depression of a thousand other artists, through it we might cry, scream, wail, and try to purge this feeling of betrayal from us... but you cannot purge emptiness. It must be filled.
What is that answer? I don't know. I think it's different for everyone. I was missing a piece of my soul, and I needed to find "her" to complete myself. Without that stroke of luck, there still would be nothing within me. Maybe I too, would have walked the same path, my footsteps preceding or following Nick's. I know the nights were dark enough to make the path inviting.
Thanks for making this mod. Thank you for posting his words. Thank you for putting them in one of the levels. I'd like to think that there was another like me out there, who, though he may not have been able to hold on as long, is honored for his time in our realm.
The memory of emptiness haunts me still... Maybe it haunts us all.
-Peace.
PS
Don't fret. I'm not going to walk that path. I merely remember how it felt to be alone. Thankfully those days are past.
