She sent it to Asus because I failed to ask Question #1: "Is it still under warranty?", which I'm still kicking myself in the ass for because that was such a hurp durp thing, especially after working in electronics and dealing with that sort of thing on a regular basis...
In my defense I would assume that if I'm being asked to format it among other things that it's not...
Anyway, got the laptop back with Vista on it again, she formatted and installed Win7 on it and it went off without a hitch, sans sucky sound... wtf. (Those who forget, that's exactly what I did, twice.)
So yeah, that's all good but the internal microphone is still busted, and Google just gives me a bunch of people with the same problem.