I say that I'm socially awkward, because, well... I don't know. Back in the day, people always thought I was cool/intelligent/intersting, and that I had a successful future ahead of me. Still, I always had severe problems.
I feel as though everyone is out to harm me. Everything is judging me, even the air I breathe. I'm always lost in my own world. All these thoughts of what is "good", and what is "bad". What place do I hold in this reality? What is reality? What should I do? What comes next? My mind is an ever-furiously-vibrating fuck of an expirience. It's come to the point where I haven't left my apartment in two years, except for a handful of occasions. These occasions total in the lower double-digits. I can't even hold a simple tedious job. Panic.
Yes, I'm sure many people have gone through this and are currently going through this sort of thing. But that offers little comfort. It's hard to relate exactly what is happening in one's own mind. Language simply fails at conveying this sort of thing. It does for me, anyway. But in true reality it may be a simple thing to overcome. I don't know. I need help. I'm currently seeking it. I'm not going to kill myself. If I do, it would be because I slowly starved myself to death while I hoped and prayed for all the best for humanity. And the result of all this is that I lock myself away in these three rooms... talking to myself, playing video games.... trying to grin and bear it. And if my father were to die at this point... I just don't know what I would do. I need him. But the Lord wills what He wills.
I'm 20 years old. Why is this happening to me? I feel as though I'm 80 and at the end of my rope.
*insert indescribable pseudo-intellectual retard babble here*
THAT'S why I say I'm socially awkward. Because everytime I set foot in front of people it becomes some sort of surreal and terrifiying event. And those same people always think otherwise.
Anyway, I don't mean to derail the thread.
I also wish the best of luck for your father's surgery.
Thank you very much, kind sir.